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Towards what one might call the "head" of this stinky cock of a town there is a building, a building shrouded in mystery!!!
If you go to the northern tip of Everett you'll come to a street called "Bridge Way" that you can use to access and even smaller street called "Medora Way". You'll have to drive by a bunch of funky ass dumps and dens of iniquity but eventually you'll come to this:
FEAR!
So there is this HUGE fucking building at the end of this crappy street and when I say HUGE I mean, pretty big.
All through my teenage years I would explore Everett with friends in an effort to find places that offered privacy for our dirty moral-free doings. Privacy for more than one person is hard to come by when you're a teenager as most public restrooms do not allow double occupancy and your home bathroom isn't the best place to smoke pot.
A little fact that you might not know about me is that I love to finger hot chicks and to get drunk! I especially loved those activities when I was a teenager but didn't really have a good place to do either, until...
I discovered this creepy fucking hellhole in the very north of the city. A place so secluded that no one would find you, well except the people that live next door who totally found us every time we went there.
Well upon further exploration of place I found something VERY disturbing. It looked as if at one point there was a giant oven in the back of the place. There were exhaust chutes that lead from these big iron openings up along the side of the building. Following these tubes of creep one comes to a tall skinny window and inside, there were, wait for it.... wait for it.... CRYPTS!!!!!
HOLY FUCK!!! I know!
The crypts are the type that are stacked on top of each other much the way my teenage friends were at every party, which is to say; stacked with zero dignity. About four of them to a column and spanning the length of the entire building.
The windows were dusty and foggy in that total crappy horror movie way and when you looked in it was staring directly in to Satan's eyes, or Dan Cool's butthole (both frightening in similar ways).
Inside there were flowers, motherfucking fresh flowers, on some of the tombs. That shit was insane! Like totally fucking crazy! WOO! Gives me chills (much like the aforementioned DC butthole).
Needless to say the place was so scary that after I was done drinking 40s and fingering chicks, I left in a hurry!
Years passed, I moved further and further from Shitstain, uh, I mean Everett. I forgot about the creepy solace almost completely, only reminded of it by the slight sexual arousal I felt at Haunted Houses.
About two days ago I was baked and sitting in my easy chair surfing the internet. I was looking at maps of Northern Canada, specifically the Yukon territories, even more specifically Whitehorse Yukon Canada.
That started me thinking about Whitehorse related things, which got me thinking about stinky drunk Indians in Marysville, Marysville is really close to far North Everett, which is where that fucking scary building is (coincidentally on Whitehorse Trail)!
I thought long and hard about metal and then tits and then I thought about the building again. So I decided to do something about my lack of knowledge and test the boundaries of human understanding by embarking on a journey of discovery and doing something no one in Everett history had dare do: Learn.
So I looked up the only bastion of logic and culture in Fart: The Town (aka Everett) the Everett Public Library! (Stop laughing dumbass, I said "puBlic".)
I remembered going to the Northwest Room in said library very often as a kid. It was fun and smelled like old books, which beats the Benson and Hedges I was used to smelling all the time. I would pour through old yearbooks and records of the town, ask questions about murders and famous people from Everett. I decided that based on my past experiences I could write these scholars and get an answer to what the fuck that building was. Here's how it went down:
From me:
"
Former Everett resident Bill here, just had a quick question for you.
What is the building at 2905 Whitehorse Trail? I remember it being a masoleum of some sort, but as a teenager never thought to look it up or come by and ask you guys in person.
There isn't much information on the internet about the building hence my email."
After about 9 hours of waiting, biting my fingernails and masturbating an astounding 35 times (in five minutes), I received this STARTLING answer:
"That’s View Crest Abbey Mausoleum (and crematory). Evergreen Funeral Home & Cemetery is now managing it. They were recently acquired by the Houston firm Dignity Memorial that owns cemetery properties all over the country. There have been problems with vandalism at View Crest over the years, most recently in 2007, but there are still occasional interments there and the facility is open to the public on a regular basis. I think it may have been involved in some financial problems years ago and wound up as a sort of “white elephant” for which Evergreen inherited responsibility."
So not only was I risking my teenage ass by drinking and messing around with slutty chicks I was also getting radioactified! HOLY FUCK!
So, mystery solved, I guess. I'd like to apologize to any girls who got irradiated vaginas and to the caretakers if they considered smashed 64oz. Mickey's bottles as vandalism.
Note: I am also available to solve riddles for you! For a small fee. Or a large fee, depending on how stupid you are.
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