Now this is a legitimate question, I mean, your band might have hundreds, even thousands of fans. Yet every time someone mentions your band name, you can see my disappointed look in the back of your mind. Me, shaking my head in disgust, long luxurious locks flowing in the breeze as I vigorously try to shake the fart smell of your crappy music out of my brain.
The truth is, I have developed a fool-proof system for quantifying the quality of each band. I have spent years honing this mental tool in order to save my delicate psyche from the garbage that pollutes the airwaves and fiber optic cables of today's popular culture.
In an effort to do a great service to the rest of humanity, I am going to offer you a little insight in to this highly polished mental process.
Let us cover a few basics first:
If you band features members of any of the following you are automatically disqualified:
MxPx, DC Talk, Blink 182, (hate to say it) Motley Crue, any "Nu-Metal" band ever.
There are others, that's just a small taste. If you are ever approached by former or current members of any of those acts make sure to decline requests to "jam". If you accept I will instantly hate you.
Now, let's cover the basics:
1.) Your band has a stupid name.
No, really. A fucking stupid name will KILL your band, at least in my eyes. You could play the most badass music in the history of sound but it doesn't matter if your name is retarded.
Example, "INfliKted", a stupid transposition of one letter takes a mundane, boring band name and makes it ridiculously idiotic. Replacing a "C" with a "K" is like wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, it instantly identifies you as a douchebag.
"Dudes, you have to come and check out my band on Saturday."- Douche
"Oh cool, what are you called?"- Me being polite
"The band's name is "MissStykk"." - Douche
"I hope you have life insurance that covers murder." -Me
The trend of trying to be "clever" and have a band name that is comprised of pidjin English wore off the minute Fred Durst did, which is to say 15 minutes after we heard about him. And that really is the main problem, if you swap a "C" for a "K" you are directly following in the footsteps of Fred Durst and we all know where that road leads....
|The best visual metaphor ever created.|
|His latest "Poison" is botox.|
|"But we're trying so hard!"|
|"We missed that last part."|